What is it like dating a victim of sexually abuse

Dating is already complex, but when your partner has experienced sexual assault, it can add another layer of challenges to the relationship. Sexual trauma can deeply affect trust, intimacy, and emotional security, making it difficult for survivors to feel safe in new relationships. If you’re in a relationship with someone who may have endured sexual assault, showing extra care and understanding can make a significant difference in helping the relationship thrive.

Sexual assault disrupts a person’s physical and emotional boundaries, erodes trust, and can even cause survivors to question their own judgment. The trauma may leave them thinking, “How did I not see the warning signs?” Although survivors are never to blame for their assault, processing the experience and rebuilding a sense of safety can take time.

While I’m not an expert in sexual trauma recovery, I gained some insight while working as an advocate for sexual assault survivors after college. Moreover, through personal conversations with friends, we’ve realized how much our own experiences with sexual violence continue to affect our relationships. We’ve learned to communicate our needs with our partners in order to feel secure.

Disclosing a history of sexual trauma is never easy for survivors, but if you’re dating someone who has been through such an experience, here are some principles to guide you in supporting them with empathy and care.

1. Allow the Relationship to Progress Slowly

Re-entering the dating world after sexual assault can feel overwhelming. Survivors may struggle with intimacy and trust — elements that are essential for any relationship but are often disrupted by trauma. Understand that your relationship may move more slowly than you’re used to. Your partner may prefer meeting in public spaces for the first few months or hesitate to share personal details too soon. Physical touch may also take longer to develop.

Respect these boundaries without questioning them. Allow your partner to share their reasons at their own pace, and avoid trying to convince them you’re different or more trustworthy than others. Show your reliability by listening, respecting their limits, and letting trust build naturally over time.

2. Embrace the Word “No”

For many survivors, saying “no” in the past may not have been respected. Learning to assert boundaries is a critical part of healing. When your partner says “no,” whether it’s about intimacy or any other aspect of your relationship, listen and respect their decision. Show them that their voice matters and that it’s safe to express their needs with you.

If your partner has also experienced domestic abuse, they may have learned to avoid confrontation to prevent further harm. Demonstrate that disagreements can be resolved with respect, helping them regain confidence in their ability to set boundaries without fear of consequences.

3. Encourage Choice and Voice

Sexual assault is an act of control and power over another person. Help your partner reclaim their sense of autonomy by offering them choices in the relationship. Small decisions — like where to eat, what movie to watch, or which activities to do — can empower them and restore a sense of control over their life. These everyday choices can make a meaningful difference, especially for someone who may have felt powerless in the past.

4. Focus on Their Personality, Not Just Their Appearance

While physical attraction is an important part of any relationship, survivors of sexual assault may feel objectified or reduced to their bodies. Regularly affirm your love for your partner’s non-physical qualities to reassure them that they are valued for who they are, not just how they look. Compliment their intelligence, kindness, or sense of humor alongside any physical compliments to reinforce their identity as a whole person.

5. Be Mindful of Triggers

Trauma can become deeply embedded in a survivor’s body and mind, causing certain touches or sounds to trigger past emotions. If your partner tells you that certain actions make them uncomfortable — such as a particular touch or a sudden noise — take it seriously. Avoid repeating those actions unless they give you explicit consent.

6. Support, Don’t Save

It’s essential to understand the difference between being supportive and trying to be a savior. Healing from trauma is a personal journey, and there is no set timeline for recovery. Your role is not to fix your partner but to accompany them with compassion and patience. Encourage them to seek professional support if they are open to it, and remind them that their trauma does not define them.

By following these principles, you can help your partner feel safe, respected, and valued in your relationship. Remember, the journey of recovery belongs to them, but your kindness and understanding can make a lasting impact on their healing process.